Almost a Mother

I never got the chance to see you, to hold you, to see your smiles.
before I even knew it, you were both leaving me behind
Boys or girls - I'll never know - maybe one of each
by now you'd be so big and strong, it's hard to even imagine.

For years when I passed twins, my heart seemed to stop
Would you have been identical?  Would you have had my eyes, his mouth?
I was choosing names and reading about what to expect with you
when the pains started and I knew something was wrong

"You have to make a choice, and you have to make it soon" the doctor said
it seems so long ago sometimes.  Those words echo forever in my thoughts.
Could you have held on? Would you have made it?
Is my life worth what yours could have been?

How will I ever know if I made the right choice?
I have never cried for you. I'm afraid if I do I'll never stop.
I hope you can forgive me.  I know I cannot forgive myself.
One day I hope, against all hope, I will know you as you were meant to be.

After you I could never bring myself to want to carry another life
that is a loss I could not again bear to suffer.
Wherever you are, I promise I will one day be with you
I will one day hold you both and look upon your faces.

Until that day comes, I keep you in my heart
I will think of you and wonder whenever I get the chance.
For now, just rest my little darlings,
and play upon that rainbow bridge until I can finally follow.